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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26892556">The Sorceror’s Guide to Sinning and Sarcasm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfectly_practical/pseuds/perfectly_practical'>perfectly_practical</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Agender Sleep | Remy Sanders, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Multi, No Smut, Remus is Inappropriate, Remy is a witch, Unsympathetic The Dragon Witch (Sanders Sides), cept jan and ro, jan and patton are bros, janus is a frickin sorcerer yall, remy and virgil are twins, they’re all like 14, this’ll be quite long if all goes to plan, virgil is a. uh idk yet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:56:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,786</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26892556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/perfectly_practical/pseuds/perfectly_practical</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world of right and wrong, Janus trod in between. After he betrayed the Dragon Witch, she sought vengeance.<br/>She gave him two toddlers to care for. God knows how that’ll go.<br/>updates when i feel like it, cuz i dont have serotonin</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders &amp; Everyone, Deceit | Janus Sanders &amp; Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. please allow me to introduce myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>just some world building. i’m gonna have fun with this :)))<br/>chapter title from sympathy for the devil; work title paraphrased from the gentleman’s guide to vice and virtue.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once upon a time there were two siblings, who were famed throughout the land for their differences. </p>
<p>One sat quietly at home, and kept them safe. One stayed out, and caught lovers, and danced all night until the sun came up. </p>
<p>The older brother, who cared deeply, implored the younger to have a care, and to not anger for danger of losing his life. </p>
<p>But the younger placed no value on keeping his life. He had been hurt too badly in the past. He did not understand that there is a difference between a life being cut short and a life being stolen and lost to others. And so he lived, and flirted, and broke hearts to heal his own.</p>
<p>He left his brother behind, and so a life was lost.</p>
<p>Then a witch found out his pain. The witch was cunning, and found out that his long years of sacrifice had corrupted his soul and made it rot nearly beyond saving.</p>
<p>So the witch made him a lover, whose character was at odds to the younger brother, and whose beauty was incomparable, and the brother was now in debt. The witch and the brother and his lover went out into the world, and wrought havoc, and soon became famed again for his cruelty. </p>
<p>The brother’s heart ached all through. He missed his older sibling. He asked the witch for a certain spell, that would bring back the life of one of the kindest souls that had ever walked, but the witch refused. The brother raged, and wept, and created his own spell. It took the life from the witch and fed it into the broken, bleeding corpse of his brother, and made him whole and smiling again. </p>
<p>But it didn’t. It ripped all of the good, screaming parts of the young man’s soul, and left it raw. It took everything that he had held true and made it evil. It killed his lover, whom he had tried to save, and the witch laughed at such a stupid trick. </p>
<p>“How two-faced of you, little snake. My little liar,” laughed the witch, and she fed him a name. </p>
<p>That name was Janus. That lover was Roman; and that sweet, kind soul, bent and torn and driven mad with pain, was Patton. </p>
<p>And so it began. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. cool song no 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>look i dont control the chaos *i posted this By Accident which is why it ends weirdly, ill sort it out when i post the next chapter ;-;*</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The story of the man who had cursed them all was famed throughout the little village of Storfield. As one would probably expect, bringing down an everlasting enchantment upon a lot of innocent people hadn't done much for Janus' popularity stakes. Especially a curse from one as killed as the Dragon Witch, whose wrath was legendary and whose powers were unmatched. But he didn't mind that much. He had an unstable and prone to mass destruction ghost-brother to control, and other people just got in the way. Not to mention that Janus had never been the sipping-tea-in-the-lord-of-the-manor's-drawing-room type anyway. (Of course, he would have had many such invites if it weren't for the whole <em>curse</em> thing.) Yes, most of the time Patton was sweet, and shy, and just a smiling presence in the kitchen of Janus' little house, but there was the odd explosion (read- about once a week; better than it had been). He had the life-spark of an immensely powerful enchantress, and the soul of a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, and was so gosh darn terrified of his capabilities that he often caused problems out of fright. So all in all, whoever said that ghosts could do no harm to the living was about as much of a liar as Janus. Which is to say, how stupid can you get? A blighted<em> rattlesnake </em>was probably less dangerous than a morally uptight chaotic neutral any day. </p><p>Not entirely unconnected with the curse was the fact that however <em>bloody</em> hard he tried, he couldn't find his way out of the kitschy hellhole that was Storfield. (Neither could the rest of the villagers, but they didn't mind due to the town's *ahem* cookie cutter charm.)</p><p>But anyway, on the crisp and cold and generally pleasing (to all except Janus, that is) morning during which the main storyline starts, Janus was commiserating to his second-favourite being about the lack of good bookshops in Storfield. (It really was a problem, the lack of bookshops. Unless your reading taste was very heterosexual romance novels and/or patterns for unfashionable knitwear, you were out of luck. Not that he couldn’t just sometimes order a box offline, but still.) Banana was a very good listener, despite her entirely ridiculous name. Patton had named her many years ago, and he was very adept at using the “but I’m dead” excuse against Janus’ changing it to a slightly more macabre idea.</p><p>So, distracted by a snake around his right-third arm, and brewing a pot of tea, he almost didn't hear the funny little<em> mewling </em>noise from his front step. Until, that is, in swooped Patton, who was looking petulant.</p><p>"Dee-bee, there's a noise," he said, sticking out his bottom lip. For a technically 23-year-old, Pat could be remarkably childish.</p><p>Janus groaned, setting down the teapot. "And I suppose I'm the one that has to deal with it, Pat-a-cake?"</p><p>Patton beamed, floating over and petting Banana. "Thank-y', bro." Even Janus, the terrifying eldritch being of Hollow House, was powerless against the sweetness of his older brother's smile. God knew he'd missed too many of them.</p><p>The funny noise outside his front door was deeply confusing. After all, he didn't have a cat. Nor did anyone in the vicinity, though that was involuntary due to the (admittedly illegal) spell he'd placed a couple years back. He and Patton both had bad dander allergies; it was for the best. So what could that noise be? Although, he hadn't checked up on the incantation for a bit. Probably <em>was </em>wearing off. (Sadly, on the day my retelling begins, it was a Sunday; meaning the apothecary where he purchased his spell ingredients was shut.)</p><p>Janus sighed and made a mental note to review the perimetre spells. For now, though, he'd have to get rid of whatever furball had wandered onto the front step, and possibly play a game of Can You Catch The Allergy Med In Your Mouth? with Patton. He opened the front door cautiously (definitely no cats in the house, even if they were on the property), looked down, and gulped. It wasn't a cat, not in the slightest; it was a cardboard box holding two sleepy-looking, squeaking children. (Which he was also allergic to. Go figure.) And now, for the heartwarming part, where Janus discovers he had something missing from his life-</p><p>Instead- "Oh look." said Janus mildly, "Children.” and shut the door quietly.</p><p>As soon as he'd walked back into the kitchen, nearly tripping over his crafts box, Patton pounced with all the fear factor of a small kitten.</p><p>"That wasn't a cat." </p><p>Janus sighed. Unfortunately, he hadn't thought far enough ahead for how Patton would react. "Not strictly speaking, no."</p><p>"I wanna go see." And so he did. What, Janus mused, had he done in the past to have such an incorrigible brother? (Well. Don't answer that.)</p><p>"<em>Jannie!</em>" came a cry of pure happiness. "<em>Look!</em>"</p><p>"I saw, Patton."</p><p>"They're<em> adorable!</em>"</p><p>"They're toddlers." From what Janus had seen from old, now lost, family photo albums, children of that age were less<em> adorable</em>, more fluid-leaking gremlins.</p><p>"I'm keeping them." Patton beamed, clapping his hands together in a frenzy of pure, fizzing happiness as he floated the little box complete with a pair of twin two-three year olds over to the spindly table. He gasped and picked up one of the now-more-awake twins out of the box, revealing they had a rather magnificent pair of purplish dragon-folded wings. Well, that was unexpected. Said wings were fluttering, whether from surprise, unconsciously, or anxiety Janus couldn't tell, but it was rather endearing. </p><p>Left in the box was a slightly larger kid, one curled into a grey-green blanket and staring vacantly into space. Janus picked them up, frowning. Who on earth had left them both on the step? Evidently not someone from town, no one came by anymore since the curse, and was his house <em>really </em>the most inviting from an outside perspective? The chickens in the yard around back ambled around into the dead patch of grass at the front, where the paint was peeling and bricks were crumbling by the chimney breast. He'd had to go over a patch of the roof with corrugated iron after a tree fell into it. Besides the whole aesthetic part, it had an aura of magic that crackled and popped in the air, relic from long years of spell casting. For some strange reason, this served to detract visitors.</p><p>But anyway, thought Janus, gently taking Twin Two out of their nest, that could be seen to with some simple Wayward spells. Then he could get back to his packed social schedule. And if his tracking spells failed, there was always the cowardly route of the home downtown where Dot and Larry took in unwanted children. (Actually, tell a lie; those two came by with their two children for tea sometimes. They'd been very helpful to the two of them in the aftermath of the curse.) They'd have a nice safe upbringing there, free from the stigma the two brothers held, and the gentle fear that came with spending time around Patton. Plus...his past had not led him to think kindly of just having kids on a whim.</p><p>"I know what you're thinking," interjected Patton, who had been alternating between cooing ecstatically and giving Janus searching glances for the past few minutes.</p><p>"That being," said Janus, not looking up from staring into Twin Two's Nutella-brown eyes. Goddammit, the spell wasn't catching!</p><p>"You don't want us to keep them. You don't trust us."</p><p>"Mmm," said Janus noncommittally.</p><p>Patton made a funny choking noise, and slumped into his old blue armchair. Twin One’s wings fluttered worriedly; Patton smiled and quietly tapped them on the hand.</p><p>“Why not,” said Patton, with an air of bright, forced calm.</p><p>“Patton…” sighed Janus.</p><p>“Why not? We’re <em>fine</em>! I’m fine, and they’re <em>all alone</em>!” he said, voice tinging on the edge of hysterical. At the pitched sound to his voice, One started to fuss.</p><p>With a sigh, "We can't do that to them, Pat. They can't grow up here. Besides which, we don't know where they came from."</p><p>"And what does that<em> matter</em>?" hissed Patton, blue points of light sparking in the air. "We can still- <em>love </em>them, they're <em>alone </em>in the world, they're <em>abandoned</em>, and I <em>want them</em>!" </p><p>Janus looked at him sternly. "I want doesn't get."</p><p>Patton gave a sobbing screech and started to glow a light blue colour. This wasn't an altogether good sign, so Janus sighed, shifted Two into another arm, and shut the curtains. "But they<em> need us</em>!"</p><p>“That’s as maybe, but. You can’t decide you want a kid just because <em>you like the idea</em>. We’ve learnt that.”</p><p>“Stop being the <em>sensible</em> one and <em>let me live</em>!” (Bold of you to assume the great Creepily Cursed Count of Hollow House is <em>sensible</em>, Patton.)</p><p>"Patton, you decided against that<em> three years ago</em>!” he said sharply. Cue- a gasp. A lip wobble. A small pinching second of knowing-he'd-gone-too-far, of regret, of trying-to-conjure-a-word-that-could-explain-away-his-speech. Needless to say, the latter was not achieved. Janus hissed, plonking Two down in the box and slumping down into his chair, letting his head fall into two hands.</p><p>"Dee?" said Patton, glow sparking in and out of focus in his upset. The tiny kid in his arms froze, as the air started to fizz with sparks.</p><p>"Patton...I don't want the same to happen to <em>them </em>that happened to <em>us</em>," he said, slowly lifting up his head.</p><p>Patton bit his lip, and nodded sadly. "Hold Violet." Janus was confused as to who he was referring to until his brother rather unceremoniously plonked One into his lap. (Janus was honestly surprised by Patton's quick recovery, but. He'd have to see.)</p><p>And then all the windows shattered, in an aesthetically pleasing shower of bright-lit, blue-glowing shards. Janus, rather embarrassingly, yelped and hugged One tighter. "Uh, better than usual?" said Patton, mouth curling and eyes widening into the face Janus knew all too well.</p><p>"Patton, come here."</p><p>"Mmmnn." So instead Janus begrudgingly made an effort, put down One, and walked over to where his brother had diminished into nothing but a pale, milky blue glow of energy. Just a sad pinprick of light artfully draped against the curtain. (It could be noted here that an uncontrollable ultrapowerful not-quite-human ghost makes a good house decoration- especially as a talking point at dinner parties.)</p><p>"Patton..." said Janus hesitantly. "Pat-a-cake, bro-bean, I..."</p><p>"<em>It's fine</em>," scraped out the ball of light, edges curling and forming into tendrils, one of which grabbed Janus by one hand and pulled him closer.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Pat." said the older boy tightly. Because that's all they both were really; just children. Heck, Jan was only <em>nineteen</em>. He'd lived enough for at least seven lifetimes though; and when the pain got too much, and the loneliness got too high, and not even the quietly worried presence of his sweet older brother could bring him to care, he wished to God - or whatever entity cursed snakes prayed to - that it could all end and he could move to the next. And Patton- he couldn't even <em>think</em> about what Patton had been through.</p><p>"<em>Janus</em>," picked the void, "<em>just for a bit</em>?" And the pleading edge got through to Janus' heart somehow, and he said <em>yes</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>A week later, and Count Cursed the Creepy was <em>deeply</em> regretting his decision. It had been ok for a couple of days, with Patton keeping the children out of his way by distracting them with bubbles and sparking lights. This left Janus to get on with the horribly complex magic that would track the twins. </p><p>He’d hoped that it would be simpler, naturally, with just the one spell to be used; but someone had layered masking magic all over the twins. Janus was by no means a low-skilled wizard - a combination of basic talent and practise had led to his being able to find a crow from its claw print in a patch of earth - but whoever had casted these many enchantments was just a pinch more powerful. This he resented; so he started to work harder out of spite. This got some odd results.</p><p>After a fizz of purplish smoke had first appeared in his scrying mirror, marking out a lightning bolt, he’d felt the same strange <em>tug </em>that marked a new familiar. This was strange in itself, as he already had Daci, but purple wasn’t his magic’s colour. His was a bright, lemony yellow that looked like solidified sunlight. This new <em>tug</em> took him trekking cross-country for half a day, before he found a bedraggled black cat with a note tucked in its purple collar (which he promptly sneezed on). Ina strange, looping hand a scratchy quadration of sigils lay black against the grubby paper. Janus pocketed it and made to move on, until the cat bit him on both ankles and used his spine as a climbing frame before coming to a rest on his shoulder. He wasn‘t <em>best </em>pleased but it could be sorted with a banishing curse and some antihistamines. For now, though, he settled on another type of curse entirely.</p><p>When he got back, cat on scratched shoulder and scowl on face, it was to find Patton sat halfway up the wall while those accursed  children stirred the contents of an earthenware plantpot each. These had previously housed some rather handsome fire-coloured snapdragons; Janus‘ prized ones, in fact. Now, from a quick look at the walls, they contained some soil and a bit of pondslime. </p><p>„Patton,“ Janus said calmly, „what’s happening here?“</p><p>“Oh!“ his brother smiled. „Alchemy!“</p><p>“Alchemy?“ he said measuredly, putting the new cat down on the ottoman and waving a hand to break the cat-proof boundary spell. </p><p>„Yeppers!“ Patton grinned. „I thought, y‘know, if we‘re <em>keeping</em> them, we wanna be. Proud of them, I guess, like good parents are!“</p><p>Janus picked some dirt off the wall. „I rather thought you‘d be one to love them regardless.“ There was a rather tense silence punctuated only by squeaks and squelches from the children.</p><p>Patton‘s smile was starting to look a bit strained at this point. „Yes, but you‘re not.“ he said with a forced cheer. „Don‘t look like that, I know it‘s true. Think about it, you‘ll need an assistant later on-„</p><p>“I think you‘re maybe getting me mixed up with Mother. <em>That‘s not what children are for</em>.“</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>my sentences are long and rambling because im cursed with gaydhd and also who needs editing when you’ve got muffins. chapter title from mgmt</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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